mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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