I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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