capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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