You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
