you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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