How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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