you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
