It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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