Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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