It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
just come out here and I will go home with you...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
