nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
this boner is exhausting
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Randomize
