My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
