Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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