Banned from zoo.
Again?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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