Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
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I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
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So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize