I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
