Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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