You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
