my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
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