last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
