C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
