Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
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Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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