she looked like the before picture.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
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