You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
