Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
