I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
