we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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