haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
