There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
