if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
