Even the bartender felt bad for me
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
