How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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