Jerry, you need to find god
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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