did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
