we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
