I smell stomach acid.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I deserve this hangover.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
