I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
