he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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