Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
