I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Randomize
