I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
