I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
