i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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