I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
