Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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