I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
