I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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