dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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