...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Randomize
