apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
