I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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