The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
