somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just had sex bonerless
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
