Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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