I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
They are going to name an STD after you.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
