I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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