The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
