I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
