I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
