I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
